will i end up empty. and lost in space?
4:43 p.m. - 31.03.2009
i am enlightened yet feeling depressed. i had to let it out somewhere. i like it when films leave me thinking. leave me disturbed. and it's hard to shake off this feeling. it makes me ponder. makes me realise. makes me want to know more..i'll hav to check out about host clubs in japan. i still don't really udnerstand y it only happens in hk and japan...the patriarchal explanation fromt that girl doesn't seem to explain it :( hmm...
just watched the great happiness space in soci tut...and it was rather disturbing...it wasn't the sort of disturbng feel u got after u saw something violent...it was an enlightenment that left u feeling this sense of emptiness...the realisation of reality.
the game of deception.and is happiness merely a space...so void. we pay to enjoy. yet..sometimes we can barely ever feel that void. and all that we're feeling..is merely a mask.or..we just think we're happy. yet. in the end we're not really. we feel in control. yet in actual fact..we aren't really the one's controlling.
so aptly named... the great happiness space. happiness is supposed to be fulfilling...but it ended up a 'space'...it's great...yet it's a space..?
how many pple out there are working for money and then spending it on stuff that makes them 'happy'..? and how many are truly happy? yet, it isn't our fault..neither is blamed..cos...we've no choice do we? why do these guys work as hosts...and y do these girls go into jobs in the sex industry? for money to support their needs and life..?or for the girls...could it just be a means of supporting their 'addiction' to the hosts. to financially hold this dream together...? a dream that they are well aware is a dream..yet they're unwilling to wake up. cos reality is hard to bear without dreams...?
hais. wonder if next time i'll be selling my soul to my job too...handling the demands of my work..and the "social" environment of the job..dealings with colleagues..bosses... and all..? will it all be some facade..or people i can trust? i'm not sure.
or mayb..will i end up like the hosts..who constantly try to reconcile their job and their feelings of right and wrong...will i end up losing myself or finding myself?
will i end up empty. and lost in space?