i really don't know life at all
7:57 p.m. - 16.10.2005
i've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
i really don't know life at all
got this from py's blog..it's from a song by joni mitchell..if i remember correctly..called "both sides now".very nice lyrics.:) this last part struck me.
was arguing with my mum about grabbing opportunities. cos i somehow brought up the topic through my mentioning of some article in the chinese newspaper..about this writer who went to dunman high and rj to study..2 schools of diff cultures. soemthing like me...rg then hc.
the rafflesian..more english culture..was grabbing opportunites...daring to strive...the more chinese way...was more of values.more restrained? maybe.
i guess my mum probably thinks i've become more restrained...after going to hc. my rg life was filled with lots of opportunities. lots of things i grabbed. and i guess i've achieved much. my hc life. i did have opportunities...i did have some achievements...but maybe they seemed less in comparison?
esp. my studies.....just can't get a good hold of it. i study. but i don't see the results....but i've trie4d my best...just as i had put in my best in rg. couldn't get s papers. but i don't mind.
but i guesss my mum minds.
afterall. i know that i can't cope with s papers. i can't even get my main studies right.
maybe she thinks i haven't grabbed my opportunities.
she talked about how we must grab opportunities. all opportunities. which i strongly disagree.
ALL?
what is it that i want? what kind of life?one which i'm crazily grabbing all i want? where is the discretion?
she said that we can't be choosing...
well maybe. but i still think it's about your whole perception of life.
i cna't be grabbing all. it's about what i want to do. how i want to contribute to society.
i just don't think going forward all the time is that great. sometimes. we have to go backwards to go forward. i can't grab all the opportunities. i only want to grab opportunities when i can manage to put in my very best for all. if i grab all...and it's really too much...then i'll be wasting all my opportunities...right? i guess so.
hais.
i guess my 2 years of jc life. has taught me to slow down. weird. even though jc life seems so fast paced. but it seems i'm getting old. i guess..haa..i've been so busy at times. i'm tired. too tired. that i decide to slow down. cos my life is more than all this rushing about. i'm rushing now. my last lap. i know. for As. at least it's with a purpose. a driven purpose. and i understand why. i'm tired. but i know that i will make it through and be able to at least lead a bit of the life i want.
the life i want. everything is about what i want. self-centred? but i believe that what i want can encompass what i want for this world.
and what i want. are too many things.
but the basic thing i want is happiness i guess.
i can't imagine my whole life being a meaningless waste. a meaningless rush to grab all that is presented to me.
sometimes i wish i could go and live on some farm. just lead a simple life.
i'm not someone to particularly favour this thing they call -modernisation/urbanisation.
i yearn. for peace. which i guess i haven't found yet.
i yearn for that utopia. which i've yet to find too.
maybe i'll build my own little utopia one day. maybe one day we'll each find our own utopia. in this chaotic world.